I am
still learning this lesson. This phenomenon that if you do first the most important things, the rest will be taken care of. The beautiful promise that if my priorities are in line with the will of God, then I will have the time, energy, emotional strength and courage to accomplish what is asked of me.
Why do I try to put the sand in first? Why do I let myself get so confused? I think my personality and love of lists make it easy to do it that way. To do all the small tasks first so I can check more off my mental to-do list before I get to the things that matter most. But, I'm also forgetful, prideful and weak. I'm sure that adds to my problem. There is just too much sand! It can never work this way. It's backwards. There will always be something else for me to do, so at the end of my day there is not enough time or room or energy for what really matters. But I've seen it, in my very own life, that if I just put the balls in first, the things that truly matter, all the sand fits too.
This is a hard one for me because the laundry, and dishes, and cooking, and shopping, and planning, and bathing, and clipping, and playing, and finding, and packing, and calling, and lugging, and everything else that moms do has to get done. It has to. I get frustrated when I think the answer is to just not do these things and choose the better part because my family suffers if I don't do them. I think rather the answer is to "pay yourself first" if you will. To do the important things first as an investment, because we will then have the added strength of the Lord. I feel like I do what matters with my family. What I neglect is nourishing my spirit so that I can continue to do these things with my family without feeling exhausted and eventually drained completely.
When I became a mom suddenly there was 4,000 times more sand. Some real, some perceived. But, it's there and it's hard. The problem is that not only did it get harder to focus on what matters most, it also got way more important. The time to run out of emotional strength and love is not when you have little babies to nurture. Enter stress and guilt. It can turn into a cycle. One that is very hard to break. One that I can't break on my own... proving once again that if I put the right things in first, the rest will follow.
Sometimes I think that means the days will get longer or my lists will get shorter. but I'm learning that maybe it means that as I change the way I look at things, the things I look at change. I will learn when to say yes, and when to say no. What to let go of and what to hold on to. That it might take hard work and sacrifice, but I can come back to that place of peace where I am enough, with the strength of God.
Struggling is not fun, and struggling alone is even harder. Thanks friends, for supporting me and teaching me. For the insightful conversations and the perspective. I hope it all makes sense. It's stuff that I have been thinking about for a while and just barely was really hit with.
Love,
Even though it was a good, low key, silly day I was a little low on patience and energy towards the end. Some times it's hard to answer the same question 13 thousand times a day. It was great to have Justin get home and entertain for a while. ("..But the farmer goes..." anybody remember that game?)
Asher got to see his old friend again, and I got to see mine too! Asher and Jane are pretty much the exact same age which pretty much means trouble. They had lots of fun and lots of fights :) My favorite argument was about whose tummy was more full after snacks. "Mine." "No, mine." "NO MINE!" Oh, boy.